|
|
Thursday, March 10th, 2005
| |
8:13 pm - It's not quite procrastination
|
...although I take full responsibility of my actions, it's also fun to say, "I think my subconscious is trying to ruin my life."
If I got the uber assignment of my life to be completed by as much time as I wanted, I would never finish. Period. At least, it would never be truly finished to me. And that is why I will never win a Nobel Prize. You have to actually finish things to win that.
|
|
(7 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, February 28th, 2005
| |
5:13 am - like psyc 101, everything's just common sense.
|
I think when I'm most comfortable around others, I revert to the type of uninhibited behavior that was prevalent in my childhood persona. (What type of behavior is that??)
After years of trying to find the personality you most admire and want to model yourself after (kind of like trying on different socks?) and building layer upon layer of facades -
You find yourself back to where you started and realize that you're okay with all that.
But you're never really yourself until you're alone and happy with being alone. Interacting with others is like the application of it. It's just that extra step between storage and retrieval in which the self is sometimes or often lost.
Yeah I'm done with stating the obvious. I know that kinda contradicts that last entry (six entries ago?) but it's like when you think about going to counseling but feel like it's just going to be someone tossing cliche phrases at you the whole time. Read: an unhelpful and slightly annoying (if not aggravating) experience.
|
|
(12 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
| |
12:41 am - i heart school with all of my toes and pee pee.
|
My Political Philosophy Professor is brilliant.
He also has a Bjork poster hanging in his office.
I went in to talk to him today about human rights and empathy and their connection and discuss my Davis on Rawls paper and I wanted to cry in the middle of our discussion because all of a sudden I just felt like I fit in. I don't have people like this back home. I never had teachers or adults in my life like this in high school, who I could relate to and converse with and just exchange dialogue in such a thoughtful manner.
Also, I have a new hero:
Michael Moore (not that one, but what a name to have.) He is associated Faculty with the Department of Philosophy at University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, Professor and Walgreen University Chair (J.D., S.J.D. Harvard.)
I am going to read all of the books he wrote because I am a big weirdo. Heck, I'm taking my Psych final this friday that's OPTIONAL: Law and Psychiatry: Rethinking the Relationship (1984), Act and Crime: The Philosophy of Action and Its Implications for Criminal Law (1993), Placing Blame: A General Theory of the Criminal Law (1997), Educating Oneself in Public: Critical Essays in Jurisprudence (2000), Objectivity in Law and Ethics (2003), and Causation and Responsibility (2003).
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, November 18th, 2004
| |
3:17 pm - Instead of writing my Descartes paper, I read Scum Manifesto. It has a pretty pink inside cover.
|
I'm in no way intimidated by an all-estrogen environment, as evident through my almost-experience with a women's liberal arts college. But I love my boys. Sometimes, I get tired of girls and need people with more testosterone than me who are often a million times more laidback. And, I often wonder what I would do without them; the majority of my new friends here are guys.
At the same time, I find the rantings of Valerie Solanas fascinating. Maybe it has to do with my psychologically analytical way of understanding people...or the fact that anything or anyone with an opposing view attracts my attention like vultures to a stinking carcass. (Dark metaphors courtesy of the mood set by Scum Manifesto:)
"Prevention of Conversation
'Being completely self-centered and unable to relate to anything outsidee himself, the male's "conversation," when not about himself, is an impersonal droning on, removed from anhything of human value. Male "intellectual conversation" is a strained compulsive attempt to impress the female.
Daddy's Girl, passive, adaptable, respectful of and in awe of the male, allows him to impose his hideously dull chatter on her. This is not too difficult for her, as the tension and anxiety, the lack of cool, the insecurity and self-doubt, the unsureness of her own feelings and sensations that Daddy instilled in her make her perceptions superficial and render her unable to see that the male's babble is babble...not only does she permit his babble to dominate, she adapts her own "conversation" accordingly.'"
Solanas uses words like "bitchy" and "groovy" in her books. I used to think slang words, curse words especially, showed the limitations of one's ability to articulate...but maybe I should rephrase that idea.
By the way, I am such a "Daddy's girl."
This book is amazing. It's making me look at things in a way I never thought of before. I never dismiss anything I disagree with. That's how ignorance persists, and that's why we still have "Chief Illiniwek" as our friggin' mascot.
Slight side tangent, pop culture is annoying; it provides people with the opportunity to cease thinking critically, or for themselves.
I think it's why I read C.S. Lewis and Ayn Rand. I'm about as Christian as I am an Objectivist, just like I'm as much of a "feminist" as I am a feminist. Food for thought.
I love books. I love larnin'.
current mood:  nerdy
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, November 15th, 2004
| |
3:37 pm - Japanese Culture Night
|
I love culture nights here...we've already had Malaysian, Indian, and Turkish, but this was the only one I've been able to get pictures for. I "don't know" how to "hide" or "cut" pictures...and I'm not going to bother to try and figure it out, but I'm sure you all want pictures of random people in kimonos on your friends' page anyway.
( *Edit: Blame Colin for the cut. )
Good thing some people care enough to take pictures. Thanks Yui!
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, November 12th, 2004
| |
3:23 pm - Random!@
|
Kris Yang goes to my school!!!!! He was in a subject pool I was running for PSYC 390. He's doing EE. And he has really long hair and looks nothing like Kris Yang.
Yeah, probably 3 or 4 of your remember him or know who he is.
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, October 28th, 2004
| |
2:11 pm - PHIL 107 - Philosophy of Political Ideology. Currently questioning: What is Fairness?
|
|
| Sunday, October 17th, 2004
| |
12:22 am - THE LAST POLITICAL THING FROM MY MOUTH, I SWEAR.
|
On his 50th birthday, my dad drove my brother and me back to UIUC.
My brother and him got to talking about the debate that was on the night before. Our dad's smack dab in the middle of the political spectrum, but he said he was convinced Kerry would make a great president. Political discussion ensued.
The talk went to how our healthcare system is broken beyond belief: my mom had a recent operation that would have cost us $20k if our insurance company hadn't talked them down to $5k. We ended up paying $1k, or 20% of that.
Some people aren't as lucky as us. The people who need such insurance the most probably don't have it, can't afford it. So they lack the bargaining power, and they're billed the $20k.
A little while later, my brother and I heard that a colleague (also a family friend) of my dad's was voting Bush. The two work at the same company in the pharmacueticals dept, and my brother asked why Bush.
"Job security," he said. The healthcare reform that Kerry supports - and would try to solve the problem mentioned above - has a decent chance of costing my dad his job.
My dad didn't even blink (I did. I'm all about being able to support your family, which is partially why I'm so liberal). He's adamantly voting Kerry.
My dad is the best.
current mood:  i need to pee
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, October 11th, 2004
| |
7:36 pm - I'LL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT I'M CAUGHT UP IN THE HYPE
|
POLITICIANS
So I hear that he's coming to UIUC through my LAW 199 class. Interesting...I remember watching him on TV at the Democratic National Convention, and I remember being impressed with what he had to say and how he said it.
He's speaking at the College of Law building...which is on the same street as my residence hall, on Pennsylvania Avenue.
I get to the building (skipping out on a much-needed Pilates class at IMPE with Rachel) and walk in to find a large screen set up in a reception-type area with couches for people to sit and watch; I guess they ran out of seats in the auditorium.
I take a seat as Governor Jim Edgar finishes his introduction and then the main speaker approaches the podium amidst applause.
I learn that he went to Undergrad at Columbia, NY. His mother's from Kansas, his dad's from Kenya, and he was born in Hawaii. He went to law school at Harvard, with the intent to study social justice.
I am impressed with his poise, his sincerity, his ability to articulate himself, his ability to answer questions...and from what I gather so far, we are "ideologically kindred spirits." He's funny and the atmosphere is really relaxed despite the formalities of it all.
Closing questions and comments, then a woman is at the podium and welcomes everyone to join in the reception held at the pavilion...?
Oh snap, that's where I am right now!
I look to my left at a small group of grad students who have started to gather around a table of...treats! Hors d’eouvers! (How the hell do you spell that?) Two servers circulate the relatively intimate space with glasses of champagne and sparkling grape juice. There are chocolate-covered strawberries with white chocolate drizzle; individual lemon-meringue tarts, individually blow-torched; mini cheese morsels with a flakey crust, creamy center, garnished with three fresh blueberries; and pumpkin mousse in a chocolate shell topped with white chocolate shavings. Holy cow.
Having gone back for seconds and seconds-and-a-halves, I stand there waiting patiently while people around me are buzzing. Snippets of conversations: "Did you hear him speak? ...He is wonderful, very impressive...such a great speaker...hello, professor! What did you think of the talk? ...Ooh did you try those blueberry things? Yeah, they're the best ones. They're all creamy in the center - I think it's supposed to be like cheesecake..."
Then, there's a barely noticeable shift in the crowd in front and to the left of me. All of a sudden, I see his bust among the slowly gathering crowd, slightly higher than everyone else's around him.
I try to get as close as possible, noting the civilized but frantic scramble for cameras, camera phones, sheets of looseleaf paper and pens...and I realize that I don't want to be one of those starry-eyed politician-groupies so I put the pen and small slip of paper back in my purse.
He makes his way through the crowd, closer to where I'm standing. I'm about three feet away from him.
Hmm, what should I say? I don't want to sound like a fanatic. I just want to tell him how glad I am he came to my school. Yeah, that's it. I'll thank him for coming to speak here. I should probably introduce myself, just give him a name or something, so I don't come off as rude or someone who doesn't recognize that he's just a person too. And I'll tell him that he's an inspiration. I'm sure he's heard it several times before, but I know he'll appreciate it - even if it's really nothing new. Yeah, Ok, that's what I'll say.
He moves his way closer; I'm about one person away. We make eye contact just before the person in front of me engages him with a question. I smile and wait patiently. Just when he barely finishes answering the question, another hand shoots out in front of me "HI MY NAME IS BLAH AND I'M A REPRESENTATIVE OF THE COLLEGE DEMOCRATS..."
Well, okay, I guess I'm not in that big of a rush to meet him. I'll just wait until this crazy girl's done with her spiel and he'll have to notice me, I'm practically standing right in front of him.
And another arm reaches across and loudly, "Can we have a picture?!?!?!" followed by some jostling around so that three people can get their picture taken with him. Hands reach out again and this time it's a representative from something Kappa something something, and then it's a guy from the south side of Chicago - he talks about how he saw him in a parade, then a girl who asks if he knows her boyfriend Rishi who met him before at that thing...and I try really hard not to roll my eyes.
Finally, he's in front of me. I stick out my hand, and before I know what I'm saying, "HimynameisErinandI'manunder gradhereandIjustreallywantedtoshakeyourhandandthankyouforcom ingtospeakatourschoolI'msogladyouwereabletocomespeakyou'rean inspiration..." All the while, I'm shaking his hand and looking down at my hand shaking his hand and then back up at his face which has the most amicable and sincere smile I've ever seen on a politician.
"Why thank you so much, I really appreciate it. Thank you."
I stop shaking his hand and duck my head shyly and say thank you (or maybe I didn't say anything at all) and I think he says something like see you around or have a nice day and smiles at me but I don't really remember because I side step to let the people behind me take my spot and I make my way quickly and a little too easily to the outside of the crowd.
I preen my feathers as I make my way to the door (it was over so fast!), proud that I wasn't a slobbering star-struck American and didn't ask for an autograph or a picture or whether or not he remembers my friend from that one time at that place. I step outside and it's still light out, but it seems so empty compared to all the hubbub indoors. I'm giddy and feel like skipping home, walking with a goofy expression on my face and making strange squeaking sounds.
And I realize that NOT asking for an autograph didn't make me much different from the people who did.... I feel hyper for one moment in my life when I got to meet another human being - perhaps one with more achievements than others, but still, a human being. I know that in a few minutes, this transient high will leave my body; I might as well have asked him for an autograph.
Heck, I should've asked him to kiss my baby.
Ah well.
I MET BARACK OBAMA!!!!!!!!!
current mood:  tired
current music: Joan of Arc - I'm prepping for the show
|
|
(9 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, October 10th, 2004
| |
9:51 pm
|
I MET MORGAN SPURLOCK!!!
Too bad I don't believe in toting around a camera with me anymore. That was a fun phase, but I'm just not as preoccupied with taking pictures. I'd rather enjoy life than spend it documenting it, although part of me wishes I didn't feel that way. I love pictures, and I love people who take pictures.
I love school and the people I've met here, but I still get twinges of nostalgia. Not of high school (I am SO DONE with that part of my life), but of the friendships I made during the last summer of senior year...surprisingly new friendships, and the strengthening of old.
I shouldn't be talking about this because saying you miss people now is a little more than trite. But Krista got to hang out with Julian and Ted this weekend and I was slightly envious.
I need to stop going home. I can honestly say I'm sick of it. If I see another cornfield again, I might just die.
Too bad it's hard to say no, especially when you have awesome friends who offer to come get you on their way up.
Oh well, I had good excuses.
Sort of.
I'll never leave school again, I promise.
(At least until Thanksgiving.)
I hate going home.
...unless it's to look at the stars from the middle of nowhere.
FOCUS ON BOOKS@! FOCUS! FOCUS!!
current mood:  calm
current music: auto!automatic!!
|
|
(10 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, September 26th, 2004
| |
4:57 pm
|
Hi. So I really don't want to lose touch with everyone and I guess the best way to tell you about my weekend is to talk about it here. Awesome. I'm talking about my weekend. I'm so cool, Not.
My away message can kinda be an update I guess.
"so uh rachel and i are totally awesome. we have permanent marker on our shirts in the form of four signatures. i am not washing my hand. we met jon's twin and we have our crotches in a picture with him. fallout boy endorses the bullet conscience. i just had the best weekend yet and it's not even sunday. (oh wait it is.) holy cow."
But the downside of this weekend: the Red Hot Valentines suck and I didn't get to see my buddies in Roscoe Plush.
But on the plus side, I like boys again.
On the down side, I think I'm in trouble for that.
On the plus side, my parents took me out for sushi when I was home and it was amazing and I miss it and dorm food ess-you-ex.
On the downside, I miss Blind Faith Cafe.
On the plus side, I love being a vegetarian whenever I go to Espresso Royale.
On the downside, I hate it when my friends are hurting. :(
On the plus side, Rach and I got to see Julian this weekend!
On the downside, everyone else who was supposed to be home wasn't. Or was sick. COUGH.
On the plus side, I ate a lot of Hershey Kisses (from the wedding) and my brain is full of endorphins.
On the downside, people who judge others (uh, especially when it's me; I'm not gonna lie) frustrate me to no end.
On the plus side, boys are cute.
Yeah okay. Hope everyone else is having fun too! <3
current mood:  sympathetic
|
|
(16 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, September 6th, 2004
| |
8:55 pm - Moral dilemma.
|
I don't like wasting things, but I also like everyone around me healthy.
Oh well, it's your choice.
Anyone want a free package of Marlboro Lights? It's only missing four. I don't smoke (unless I'm blowing bubbles) and they're kind of just sitting here.
Oh man. If it weren't for the fact that smoke rings/smoke bubbles were so fun to do, I would've never put these death sticks to my mouth.
...At least I can blame hookah for being an "expansion of my cultural awareness."
WHAT SUBURBAN KIDS DO WHEN THEY'RE BORED. What a sad world.
Back to the books...oh lovelies, why did I ever leave you??
******EDIT*************************************************
YES!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MY MOM ASKED ME IF I SMOKE TODAY!!!!
(she must've peeked in my purse)
THEN SHE ASKED IF I WAS DRINKING!!!!
BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE EVER!!!!!!!!
I am such a rebel!! This is so cool!! This stuff never happens to me!!!
current mood: gleeful
|
|
(14 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, August 27th, 2004
| |
12:45 am - I don't want to hear anyone complaining about not making new friends.
|
Part of leaving for school is the anticipation of making new friends. I don't make new friends easily, for several reasons. It's not like I'm not good at it...I just try to avoid it...mostly because I dislike pretension, which is usually unavoidable anyway for quick introductions and what not. Soooo...here are some quick tips for the socially-challenged that are guaranteed to help you meet people and/or make new friends:
1) Furnish your room with the coolest rug on the face of the planet. (Green, made out of t-shirts, 5 x 7 ft, $14.99 (talked down from $80) at UO.) Then tell every boy you meet that you want to show him your rug.
2) If someone leaves a skateboard in your room, put it to good use in the long hallways of the dorm residence buildlings. If you're not good at skateboarding (or it's your first time and you want to avoid looking the fool), walk to the end of a hallway and plant yourself horizontal-wise, belly down. Then, give yourself a quick push and go "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" past the open dorm room doors. If your RA walks by asking what you're doing, tell her you're just looking for your contact.
Bonus tip: Lean your torso to steer, veering left or right. Don't wear a skirt when you go down the boys' floor.
3) Buy a large melon and make sure it's half frozen from being in your mini fridge before using a small switch blade to cut it into pieces. Go door to door and exemplify the phrase "sharing is caring."
4) Join ridiculous activities, such as volleyball in a thunderstorm at 11:30 at night.
5) Get a free plant from the horticulture club booth and name it Ted. Make sure to water it daily and talk to it about your problems and how much you miss your friends back home.
6) Walk to classes eating cereal from the box. Offer to passing strangers.
7) Practice piano in the lounge where clubs tend to hold meetings. When the Salongo (Swahili for "We all come together to create something out of love") group starts filtering in for a meeting, make sure you're the only non-black person there.
8) Make a big fuss over whether you want a cheeseburger or a hotdog in the cafeteria until a large group starts gathering and offering suggestions (such as "look how juicy the hotdog is!") at you.
9) On the dry-erase message board outside your room, write: "Please knock. I sleep naked."
10) Tip in progress: Gather all the kids you know with the yellow Bullet Conscience T-shirt (at least three people.) Then, linking arms, skip down the quad without breaking a sweat. If people ask, tell them to "JOIN THE BULLET CONSCIENCE CLUB AT U OF EYEEEEEEEEEE!"
So with these suggestions in mind, you all better come home with lots and lots of new friends in tow. Okay? Good.
current mood:  wired
current music: Brand New - Your Favorite Weapon
|
|
(17 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, August 20th, 2004
| |
3:50 pm - ...drifting away
|
((Uhh so I updated on Britt's lj: mydiaryuh. Or wrote 11 of the 14 sentences, same thing. So go read it, if it makes you happy.))
current mood: anxious
|
|
(8 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, August 14th, 2004
| |
12:39 pm - I'm like an old lady. Might as well call me Agnes.
|
I feel...crestfallen? I'm also flexing my vocab muskels before skoo'.
Mixed emotions, contradicting feelings...leave me an irrational mess. Like a PMSing pregnant mother.
And even my analogies are oxymoronic.
So Chris left this morning at 9:00 for Duke which hit me like a ton of bricks last night, when he called. I've been dabbling with packing and folding clothes, but it hadn't really dawned on me that I'm not going to see friends who mean a lot to me for a really long time. Friends who I'm used to having around me. People in my life who have become the safety blanket that I've stored away for safe keeping but have always been within reach (or at most a 10 minute drive.)
Since the end of junior year (which, if you think about it, was a while ago)I've been planning a personal, and very selfish, project. I've been planning it by jotting down notes on loose leaf, post its, notebooks.... These little messages were reminders of moments I've had throughout the year. Most of them were of memories or gestures that I knew I didn't want to forget...I'm a sentimental pack-rat like that.
You know those times when a friend does something really meaningful or something really meaningful just happens or all of a sudden you realize something really meaningful and if I say really meaningful one more time I'll puke but you kind of just keep it to yourself because it'd be not cool of you to mention it at the time and even not cooler to mention it at a later time when it didn't apply at all? Yeah. I used to worry about being not cool, like everyone else. Now it's not even important in comparison. So I wrote all those moments down because I knew I'd want to share it with these people sooner or later. Whether or not I'd come off as being irrationally sensitive...because, if I have to explain it, it's the not cool thing to be in the seemingly apathetic teenage society we've created for ourselves.
Insert side tangent.
It's not even being emo because I've decided that being emo is an immature (in the non-derogatory sense), adolescent to young adult phase that some people grow out of...and others don't. Which doesn't make it's existence wrong or not fun or not cool. It's actually one of those things I like because I agree that it's fun to be a kid. And that's exactly what it is...it's to do with kids not being able to deal with their influx of almost-adult emotions, and being immature (or lazy or both) and unable to articulate themselves well. So they just hyperbole everything. And quite the creative bunch, they've added several overly dramatic metaphors. In any case, it's a different way of expression that's developed from the inarticulations of the self-conscious, teenage mindset.
But I like to think I can be articulate when I want to be. And like I said, it's a selfish project.
Anyway, I was going to compile everything and write it all into separate letters and deliver them by hand. The letters were supposed to be as objective as possible...which seems kind of strange because you'd think this would be something I'd want to pour my feelings into. For some reason, I think it's more meaningful to the person if it were said in an objective tone. It makes it more factual and thus, to me, more true. I want it to be less about what the person means to me and more about how the person has affected my life. These are people who have literally set the course of my life. Some are ridiculously close friends...others are surprisingly not. Some I've only known in childhood, others I've known for less than a few years. But they've all graduated with me, in my year, and these were supposed to be letters that meant something to my fellow peers, in hopes to help them realize the effect they've had on those around them. And maybe it'll make them want to contribute to the betterment of society some more. Because we should be all about that.
Each person was my inspiration for these letters...and with one already gone, I'm the most discouraged I've ever been about this. I was supposed to hand deliver these. And in the past day and a half, I've felt more and more like keeping everything to myself.
Then there's a part of me that knows some of these people don't even know...they have no idea...and I want them to. For me to feel like I've accomplished something with these relationships I've built and for me to be able to move on with the next part of my life, I need them to know.
It's just been so much fucking work.
..And now it seems like it's all come down to one lousy livejournal post.
as;odkjfalwkesjsdkf.
So as my friends are leaving my life, I find myself nostalgic yet anticipating. Freewheeling through the time I have left to spend with them only to know we're all leaving so soon. In less than a week.
Maybe I should just tell everyone "I love you; you mean so much to me," and leave it at that. But would that speak enough...?
Because when we get back, it's never going to be quite the same.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
| |
2:08 am - I'll do this one Xanga style
|
The beach anywhere is amazing. When I'm there, it's like time doesn't matter and I could stay there forever if I wanted to.
Michigan reminded me of this trip Amy and I took to Chicago a few weeks ago. We drove on the highway with the windows down wearing nothing but swimsuits and sarongs and we walked into the CPK at Old Orchard the same way. A day of no makeup, gritty hair, sandy feet, and feeling so content with life.
The trip to Katie's cottage in Michigan was the same way, only there were more people. But even with people I'm not as close with present, I could still walk around in two day-old clothes and sand in my hair and not feel worried about anything at all. I was completely myself, and I haven't felt like that with a larger group of people in a long time.
Drunk people are amazing. Especially when you can get someone to voluntarily give you feet rubs. Or lay in a hammock on a porch with your pseudo sister, singing Disney songs loudly at 11 PM with a guy who is completely straight. Or become enraptured in a firey 4 hour long dialogue of the entire history of Israel and the Middle East. Or talk from 3 to 10 AM about drug use and drinking.
It's kind of scary because I learned that Mike and I are the same, except for this really fine line that separates us. A minor flip of priorities that give us completely different lifestyles despite how close our philosophies are.
I think sometimes I choose not to drink out of spite (Mike and Alex laughed at this and said it was a good reason anyway,) as in, I'm purposely trying to defy the fact that people drink for social reasons. Plus, I don't want to be that trashy drunk girl at some party. It's all about self image, kids.
I know I hold a double standard. I feel like people will judge me, but I don't judge others when I see them drink. I party, just without a drink in hand. I find all these reasons for me to NOT drink but that's just what they are...MY reasons. I don't think it's much of my business why others choose to drink, and I don't judge their character for it. Some of my best friends, meaning I have completely justified respect for them, drink. I don't. It's simple as that.
I have never felt like I was better than anyone just because I didn't drink and they did. Awhile ago, I had a friend who started drinking when she used to be hardcore straight edge and I wondered whether or not I should talk to her. Afterall, aren't my reasons good enough to apply to everyone else, let alone my close friends? I decided that I loved her enough to accept her decision and respect the way she chooses to function in/experience life.
Although, I should mention that if things were ever to become clearly dangerous for her or anyone else around her then intervention will occur. That's not arguable. I try not to be a shitty friend.
...But it's far from that and thus I leave her be. I don't judge if you drink. I don't judge if you don't drink. I don't disrespect. It's all about personal choices. And...I love everyone.
Anyway...really long side tangent aside...This trip was perfect. There were moments I had to myself and there were moments I spent in the pleasant company of good friends I haven't seen in too long of a time. We must do this again ~ <3
current mood: content
current music: Dashboard- The Brilliant Dance
|
|
(15 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 21st, 2004
| |
11:39 pm - my first day of work in corporate hell.
|
Today I learned that to survive in the wild all you need is a clicky pen. When you have no other office supplies in your cubicle, except one painting of a horse, your pen is your friend...even if it's not your pen.
I used it to write with, as a staple remover, to open letters, copy, print and fax things.
This is just a summer job this is just a summer job this is just a summer job this is just a summer job this is just a summer job.
If I ever find myself within the clutches of Corporate America, I'll quit my job and become a starving artist.
Call me selfish for not paying for my children's higher education...but I might as well be dead.
Krista took me out on a date tonight.
Saved reminds me of Mike.
I think I'm addicted to my friends...if I don't see them at least once a day I get all sad and stuff. But not in an unhealthy way; don't worry I checked.
And Max brought us bagels!!!
And Chris called because I said I'd call him but didn't.
And I successfully and beautifully parallel parked. With people watching.
Tonight made my night.
current music: india.arie - voyage to india
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, June 20th, 2004
| |
4:43 am - Who am I kidding? I'm posting. That's what I'm doing.
|
So I decided that staying offline forever isn't quite the best idea in the world because it's a bitch to clean up, i.e. the mailbox and reading any and all missed entries.
But it's been worth-it. One night of no sleep is worth the nights PLURAL of smashing good times, quality time with family I have never/hardly seen in my life, Boston, orientation, getting a job I hate but a job nonetheless...
Although still not much progress on that book I'm reading, intimate conversations with those who I find easy to intimately talk with, or calling up old friends who are in town. I'm sorry and I less than three you mucho-ly.
Thusly, I'm still not going to post. I don't count this as a real post. This is more like...notes. Erinnotes, to be cheesy and stealing from Chris. What in the world has been on my mind. It doesn't matter if anyone else cares; I'm leaving my damn pebble in the middle of this road.
Occasionally, I scribble bits of thoughts down on paper...thoughts that I think I'd like to ponder later. They could range from questions I have but can't immediately answer, to observations of social situations. Needless to say, my room/house is littered with these scraps of paper I misplace and almost never refer back to ever again.
BUT this time I wrote some on my hand, and it's kind of hard to lose that. Since I don't know how to load a picture with a bajillion pixels of my palm onto the internet, I'll just stick to transfering the notes I wrote to myself via keyboard.
SLIGHTLY EXPANDED THOUGHTS (for the minor purpose of coherency) BUT MINUS OPINION (okay, maybe just one):
1) I noticed that I flirt with guys I'm attracted to but don't want to start a relationship with. This type of flirting consists often of making highly sexual references and spitting out comments that are intended to diminish his ego. (My past reaction to this thought would be to analyze it and the consequences of such behavior, but I'm not going to bother.)
1.a) I don't do this to boys I could see myself being in a relationship with. This is strictly noted behavior and not something that is done purposely or consciously, meaning...it doesn't mean that I want to be your wife the second I don't go all sexual and insulty on you. Or frankly put, if he's an object to me, my brain partially shuts down and I give in to the weird mating rituals of both primitive and cosmopolitan society. (I'm not even going to try justifying this.)
2) There is a social heirarchy I've noticed that's difficult to explain. But the jist of it is that the less you care about the friendship, the more control/leeway you have. The person on the lower end is more forgiving and willing to compromise than the other, despite protests made of an "equal partnership." I have been on both the recieving and doing end of this. We are socially parasitic organisms and I hate it.
And purely FOOD FOR THOUGHT(please don't jump to conclusions), this was written on a yellow notecard that says PANTONE on the bottom:
-Is faith a cop-out for pure philosophical thinking? *find definition of "philosophical."
--> it provides "easy answers" to questions near impossible for the human mind to answer.
-A philosophy (or religion - view of life) like Objectivism would be more taking into account the limitations of the human mind for philosophical thinking than Christianity (for example: a religion) because it states that A is A no matter what you think. (It doesnt matter what you think because A will always be A.)
-Religious people tend to like to think they're right. (But then again doesn't everybody else.) That was an inefficient - read: dumb - thought.
The End, for now. See you all soon. <3
P.S. I still haven't written a reply to my friend in Texas, but I don't feel so horrible because she, among others, will be recieving a rather large love note from me before the fall semester. Man...that project is going to take forever.
current mood:  stressed
current music: ask jeffree he knows
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 7th, 2004
| |
4:00 am - I'm not in love with you...I've moved on to loving you.
|
Taking a cue from a fellow social scientist, I'm experimenting this summer. I meant to do this for my personal presentation(I meant to do a lot of things for that,) but I never got around to it. Or forgot. I don't remember which it was.
Starting June 07, 2004 3:45 AM any question I'm asked - personal or not - I'll be answering fully and truthfully. Personal motives and intentions aside. I'd prefer if it were in person.
It's a bit passive, but I'm just not good at initiating, randomly, truths to people they may or may not want to know. I'm not that socially talented.
On a more pertinent note:
Henceforth, posts will be restricted to subjects worth conversing over. Because
a) Telling people about my day isn't too interesting. Half of you will already know what I did anyway. (Like Jenny's party. I was going to post about it, but figured people would do it for me and lo and behold they did.)
b) I dislike being cryptic...it makes me feel like I'm in the 7th grade again (but that shouldn't stop everyone else from doing it because it makes me feel involved)
c) I need free time to read more books.
d) I would like to learn how to pick up a phone more often.
And it looks like an update won't happen for awhile because
a) Religion questions have been answered (which is quite the big deal since it has been somewhat of an obsession since junior year)
b) Boys no longer bother me (or when they do, I have successfully mastered the art of beating all impulses to death, i.e., not being so pointlessly sensitive over everything)
c) It is summer and this time around, I don't want to spend it glued to some screen of any sorts. It seems like my introverted hermit days are being shelved.
d) At this point and time, too many frickin social events, and the aforementioned reading time is being thus depleted. LJ and AIM make it worse.
e) If I think of something worth posting, I'd rather talk to you about it face to face.
f) Analyzing life, my favorite pasttime, has now run its course. arguments are now literally pointless to me. (discussions, a different matter)
g) I owe a friend in Texas a letter and if I post again without finishing her letter first, I will feel like a bad person.
h) There are people I still need to see.
i) I feel like any additional time I have should be spent looking for a flippin' job, or in this case, sleeping. Not like I haven't tried.
Don't worry folks, I'll definitely be lurking around in the background leaving comments, or at least keep up on my reading. Especially for people like Sarah who I hardly ever get to see but like pretending I'm there by reading her near-daily posts. :)
Right now, posting is like that favorite TV show you don't care for much anymore because you've been there done that. After all, I've probably been doing this whole online-write-about-your-life-and-deep-personal-thoughts-clever-anexdotes shindig longer than any of you.
But every once in awhile you may just come back for a taste.
I'm becoming more and more my own audience and I think I've finally reached a content plane of existence. Satisfaction is almost negligent at this point.
And if I haven't said it enough times, I love you.
current music: The Postal Service
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
| |
12:48 am - I hate giving a synopsis of my day, but I'll do it anyway.
|
Today, I walked (and that's the key term, "walk") through the hallways today. I took my time getting to each class and tried to take the least crowded way possible, often the longest route. I absorbed the atmosphere - the hallways, the students, the teachers, the hustle, the bustle - around me and felt...at peace, but with a little creeper of nostalgia that slowly encircled my chest.
Instead of watching A Beautiful Mind in Psych, I pulled out a book Mike lent me - Mere Christianity - and started reading it.
After school, a couple of hours spent at Becca's with Rachel, goldfish, diet Pepsi, and the freedom to choreograph (to Coheed, no less) outside on the pavement. Our poster is pretty. Our dance is rock-tastic and has elements of hardcore dancing.
After dinner, Caribou it was. With Katie, but eventually it became RamezGulizAlinaJaredBenJakePeter. Everything's been one weird smorgesborg of combination lately. Carry-boo, oh how I'll miss you. Making my clothes smell like coffee. Sitting in you and not buying a single drink. Spending hours doing bio labs with LisaMichelleBrandonRaskinAmol slash reading poetry. Talking to Mike B. Watching Brian paint the night sky on a pumpkin. Admiring the hot guy in the wheelchair. Max gushing over the number of penises he's seen...I don't know why I choose to remember that. Discussing philosophy with Drew, who no longer works there, and Chris.
At home again, I write a letter to Kelly...who sent me a graduation announcement to remind me about how much I miss her! And reflecting over the past year in its entirety in my letter back to her.
At home again, watching the 2004 Orchesis tape, courtesy of CAT-TV.
Beautiful.
current mood: peaceful
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
airnchoo's journal
awake